Day 3: Depression

For those of you who have been following my story.. this is day 3. I woke up depressed this morning, very depressed. I still am. I took 8mg sub about 2 hours ago and I'm still hoping that it's kicking in and gonna make me feel better. The physical symptoms are not so bad, clammy hands and sweats. (Last night cold sweating really really bad.), but the mental strain is so difficult.

I'm trying to take my mind off of things and relax but it's so hard. I have a Xanax addiction as well which I'm also trying to taper. Man... I wish I could just go back to being a weekend warrior and enjoy a few percs.. but I know that will never happen.

I got a question for you guys... I was on fent analogs for a year. I lot. AF, then BF. All day, every day (you have to). ... how long is PAWS going to last? Is my extreme tolerance ever going to go back to baseline? (I took 300mg of oxy when I was sick 6 months ago without any BF and it didn't even touch me).

I hope this depression subsides because to be honest, I'd rather physically feel like shit than mentally.... also,... I have this sub taper in the back of my mind. I have to be strong and disciplined with it. I think I'll drop down to 4mg tomorrow and see how I feel and go from there. I start a new job Monday as you guys know, and I'm getting more and more nervous for it. I have a feeling I'm going to hate it..

Anyway, I hope you all are having a great day. I'll update later, and again, thanks for the support guys. Really. It's incredible. I feel like this is one of the only outlets that I have to really ask for advice or tell my story or hear what I need to hear. so thank you for that brothers. I'll check back in a while...

Edit 1: 1pm, feeling a little better. busted a nut for the first time in a long time.. haven't had a sex drive in a long time and it just came over me. felt amazing, better than nice shot even. I'm glad that fent didn't fuck my dick up for good lol. I'm feeling alright now... feeling like I'm wasting the day by watching TV though.. I don't know what to do... I can't thank you all enough for the support you have given me, really. You guys are giving me so much strength to keep going, the support is really awesome. Hope you're all doing well... I just wish there was a quick cure for this depression (besides bustin a nut which only helps for a bit hahah). I think I'm going to drop down to 4mg of sub tomorrow and see how I feel. Then go from there. I want to taper off the suboxone as quick as possible and smoothly as possible.

edit2: been laying in bed all day watching mind-numbing TV. going to drop down to 4mg of subox tomorrow. but I was thinking about 4mg tonight to help me sleep with the fucking cold sweats (I get so bad) and see how I feel in the morning... I'm hanging in there, but I am worried about the depression and emotional toll of PAWS. Not to mention my benzo addiction.. but hey, one addiction at a time right? and right now I'm taking enough Xanax and klonopin to at least make me not anxious.. but it also makes me rather emotionless.. I just wish things didn't take so long to happen.. day three feels like week 3. Part of me already thinks I can start chipping. pfffff. fuck that. don't worry I won't let that happen. I'm gonna stay strong, and all you brothers and sisters can do it with me, together. that is, if you want. I am floored with the responses and messages of encouragement and support. Thank you guys so much. I will probably update later tonight when it's 10pm and I'm dripping frozen sweat...