Day 1: Heavy w/d

This is day 1 with no fent or dope. I was on fent analogs, dropped to dope to taper, then dropped off dope and did my last shot yesterday. I took some tianeptine and kratom today and still feel terrible. also Xanax. I was on fent analogs for about a year so you can imagine how the w/d's are. fucking horrific.

I don't know what to do guys... you always have good advice. Eating is such a chore. nothing brings me pleasure. it's 30F and windy as fuck outside, and I'm in this big house all alone.

Some kind words or advice would be great friends....

also (thought about getting some suboxone from a dude... comments on that?)

edit: thanks everyone. I took some more kratom, felt good enough to get out. I think I’ll just go cold turkey cause I start a job on Monday and I need this shit over with asap

edit2: got 30 subs 8/2mg. hopefully this will go smoothly

edit3: not sure if I should even take the subs because the kratom and lope have been keeping me together fairly well. is it even worth it? if it is.. how long should I wait? should I just stick with lope and kratom and fuck the subox? I don't want to get thrown into pwd...

Day 2: Feeling decent

If you're keeping up with my story, here's an update. Yesterday I was barely held together by lope and kratom but by the end of the day I felt like shit cold sweating emotionless. Today I woke up, took a 3rd of a sub. Waited 2 hours and took another 3rd about 20 mins ago. I feel pretty normal right now just a bit tired. My plan is to keep the subs for emergencies and to hold together for work. Tapering with the subs I know will take a while but just feeling like I'm able to get something done today is good for me.

I'll keep you guys updated and I can't believe the overwhelming support with messages and stuff from you guys. Thanks so much. Will edit later today.

edit: took 8mg of the sub over the course of about 4 hours. feeling pretty good. good enough to move shit around the house and not be depressed as hell. but, in the back of my mind I'm still worried that this is just another addiction...

edit2: feeling good. not high, not sick. just, good. not depressed. and actually in a good mood. 1:24pm. hope ya'll are doing good as well. hopefully this sub taper will go smooth, that's the only thing in the back of my mind...

edit3: 10:42pm... clammy as fuck. cold sweating like a mother fucker. this sucks! I'm so cold but so sweaty.. ughhh.... Benadryl gonna knock me out soon I hope.

 

Day 3: Depression

For those of you who have been following my story.. this is day 3. I woke up depressed this morning, very depressed. I still am. I took 8mg sub about 2 hours ago and I'm still hoping that it's kicking in and gonna make me feel better. The physical symptoms are not so bad, clammy hands and sweats. (Last night cold sweating really really bad.), but the mental strain is so difficult.

I'm trying to take my mind off of things and relax but it's so hard. I have a Xanax addiction as well which I'm also trying to taper. Man... I wish I could just go back to being a weekend warrior and enjoy a few percs.. but I know that will never happen.

I got a question for you guys... I was on fent analogs for a year. I lot. AF, then BF. All day, every day (you have to). ... how long is PAWS going to last? Is my extreme tolerance ever going to go back to baseline? (I took 300mg of oxy when I was sick 6 months ago without any BF and it didn't even touch me).

I hope this depression subsides because to be honest, I'd rather physically feel like shit than mentally.... also,... I have this sub taper in the back of my mind. I have to be strong and disciplined with it. I think I'll drop down to 4mg tomorrow and see how I feel and go from there. I start a new job Monday as you guys know, and I'm getting more and more nervous for it. I have a feeling I'm going to hate it..

Anyway, I hope you all are having a great day. I'll update later, and again, thanks for the support guys. Really. It's incredible. I feel like this is one of the only outlets that I have to really ask for advice or tell my story or hear what I need to hear. so thank you for that brothers. I'll check back in a while...

Edit 1: 1pm, feeling a little better. busted a nut for the first time in a long time.. haven't had a sex drive in a long time and it just came over me. felt amazing, better than nice shot even. I'm glad that fent didn't fuck my dick up for good lol. I'm feeling alright now... feeling like I'm wasting the day by watching TV though.. I don't know what to do... I can't thank you all enough for the support you have given me, really. You guys are giving me so much strength to keep going, the support is really awesome. Hope you're all doing well... I just wish there was a quick cure for this depression (besides bustin a nut which only helps for a bit hahah). I think I'm going to drop down to 4mg of sub tomorrow and see how I feel. Then go from there. I want to taper off the suboxone as quick as possible and smoothly as possible.

edit2: been laying in bed all day watching mind-numbing TV. going to drop down to 4mg of subox tomorrow. but I was thinking about 4mg tonight to help me sleep with the fucking cold sweats (I get so bad) and see how I feel in the morning... I'm hanging in there, but I am worried about the depression and emotional toll of PAWS. Not to mention my benzo addiction.. but hey, one addiction at a time right? and right now I'm taking enough Xanax and klonopin to at least make me not anxious.. but it also makes me rather emotionless.. I just wish things didn't take so long to happen.. day three feels like week 3. Part of me already thinks I can start chipping. pfffff. fuck that. don't worry I won't let that happen. I'm gonna stay strong, and all you brothers and sisters can do it with me, together. that is, if you want. I am floored with the responses and messages of encouragement and support. Thank you guys so much. I will probably update later tonight when it's 10pm and I'm dripping frozen sweat...

Day 4: Feeling Blank

I woke up at like 7:45 this morning, popped 2mg clonazepam, and 1mg alprazolam and went back to bed. It's 10:10 now and I woke up like 15 mins ago and I don't really know how I feel. I took 4mg of sub last night at 6:15 so that I wouldn't be trying to sleep while sweating ice, but I woke up sweating ice. However, now that I have gotten out of bed, it seems to have subsided... for now. I am going to try and play the day as long as I can without taking any sub, and probably take 4mg tonight which makes mg a day, then I'll drop to 2, then maybe lower before I take the fall..hopefully. This is only my 3rd day on subs (when I take one), and I want to get off as quickly as possible so I don't w/d from them more than I have to. I just want it to smoothen my opiate w/d and not have me transition to my train going the other direction. I feel rather dull... emotionless this morning. Unmotivated. But the girls parents are coming over to help with our new house (we moved in 9 days ago) so I'll have to put a fake smile on and act motivated and shit... that goes for tomorrow too. I start my new job tomorrow at 8am. I'm worried about it, but not to the point of losing it or anything. I know they wont expect me to perform perfect on the first day so I'll just learn as I go and my plan is to put on that fake smile and be a happy person because everybody likes to be around a happy person, just for the duration of my shift, then I can go back to being an opiate w/ding, sub taking, benzo addicted zombie with little emotion. I'll check back later. Thanks again for all the support friends. I don't even know if I could be doing this if it weren't for the support I get here. (I probably could, it would just suck more). .I mean, you guys really give me a lot of strength, and great advice. So thanks so much for that and have a great day/be safe

Ninja Edit 1: same time, I just want to say, another reason you guys help so much is because I get to live vicariously through you all getting high and imagine it myself. I also forgot to say my sex drive is actually coming back and in full force if you know what I mean ha. So I'm really glad no permanent damage done there... I haven't woken up with a raging hard-on for a while before this morning. Hopefully my brain continues to re-wire everything as fast as possible so I can jump off this sub wagon before it gets out of my hands. [as you can see it's always in the back of my mind]

Edit 2: 2:47pm I am starting to feel cold and shitty.... although for the last couple hours I have been out on the roof putting caulk in a leak and turning off the water to the outside before winter and now I have to replace some windows in the porch. I'm trying to hold off on taking a sub for as long as I can. but now that I think about it. maybe I'll take 2mg now, and if need be, 2mg tonight, I think that's what I'll do. It is decided hahhah.

Edit 3: 7:40pm been doing housework all day. Rewiring outlets, reinsulating windows, putting windows in, turning off the outside water for the winter, etc. The 2mg of sub has done me great and I feel good and my mind has been off things for the day. Tomorrow I start a new job at 8am and I am planning to take 2mg in the morning and maybe take another 2mg with me just in case I get bad but I want to drop off these subs as quick as possible. This is only day 3 I've been on them and I want to get off before a week. Hopefully I can taper to 1mg or even .5 so I don't notice much of a w/d from the sub. then I'm golden and will keep some around for cravings and just give it time. I am just worried about this job tomorrow and worried I will hate it...but at least it will provide something to do and some structure, and if I don't like it, hey, I can keep looking for another one... I got this job in a day. Thanks for all the kind words everybody, and for everybody following my journey and going through the same thing, I feel your pain and feel free to message me. Earlier today I felt like I was on the edge about to fall off and break down and kind of did... tears a bit just overwhelmed with detoxing, getting fired, new job tomorrow, just bought a new house and moved in last week. so it's a LOT at once and I am just trying to stay away from that edge so I can keep it together. The support from you all is amazing and thanks again, I will post later tonight maybe or tomorrow before I leave for work when I start day 5 but again thanks so much guys, I love this sub [pun intended]

Edit 4: took 2mg of sub just now at 9:30pm so I can wake up feeling good to start the new job. I'm gonna bring a couple mg's with me just in case as well but hopefully make it through the whole day without dosing a sub. I want to drop as quick as possible like I've stated 100 times. thanks for the support everybody, I'll post tomorrow before I leave for work I think.. early early. night guys, stay safe

Day 5: Starting a New Job

7:13 am. For those of you following my story, you know I have just moved into a new house a week ago, got fired 6 days ago, got a new job the next day, which I'm starting today, and I'm also on day 5, coming off a yearlong habit of HEAVY fent analog use. Used H to step down from the fent for a few days, now I'm using 2mg of sub (started the first day with 12mg, dropped quick, this is day 4 on sub). I took 2mg alpra [Xanax] and 2mg clonazepam to get me through hopefully today and hold my anxiety together. I am about to take 2mg of sub for the same reason and take 2mg with me just in case but hopefully not need it. I'm feeling worried, anxious, I dunno about this job, I hope it doesn't suck. I'm freezing, but I just gotta get my blood going a bit since I just woke up... fuck I hope this goes ok. I'm just gonna put on a fake smile and act happy and everything will be ok, everybody likes a happy person and they're not going to expect me to know everything on day 1, I know... but I just don't know about the job in general so I hope I don't hate it too much.. and I hope that it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy thinking that I'm going to hate it... hope you guys have a good day and are doing well... I'll check back in later today with an update. Thanks again for all the support friends, helps a lot

Edit 1: WOW! Thanks everybody for so many kind words! I actually had a great first day, it went really well. Learned a lot, forgot a lot. It'll take time of course to learn everything. It's a supervising job at a restaurant, today I was cooking, Wednesday I'll be hosting, and learning every aspect of the place. I took the 2mg sub this morning and still feel good. Hopefully it stays this way for the rest of the night, if I have to, I'll take 1mg maybe tonight to stop the cold sweats to sleep a bit. I want to get off the subs ASAP, but I still have some on hand for cravings in the future. I just took 2mg alprazolam [Xanax] cause I was getting pretty anxious on the drive home, probably unnecessary but that's a whole nother addiction I gotta deal with later. Feeling positive and going to find something productive to do with the rest of my day hopefully and stay out of w/d hopefully too. I'm still thinking about the bills and the new house and everything which is making me worry in the back of my mind. It's just so much at once. Off old drugs, new house, fired from old job, starting new job, new bills, so many bills, ughh.... I'm staying strong though, and you guys help a lot. I'll check back later tonight, and again, thanks so much for all the support. The support you all have given me on this journey is incredible.

Edit 2: 7:12pm... Still haven't taken anymore sub today, just the 2mg this morning. I'm getting pretty intense cravings right now and am feeling like I want to cry... it feels like... a friend is no longer with me ya know? It was always something to turn to. It really feels like I have lost a friend that has been by my side for so long... I don't want to take anymore subs because I am afraid of the w/d from them but I might have to take 1mg to stop the cravings, I'm also beginning to cold sweat quite a bit right now. Whenever I come home to this empty house it's the hardest. I was just out and bought a microwave, and drove around a while to get some other things for the house to stay occupied. I was lifting earlier as well to get some endorphins and blood running. I have to get back to my old workout routine. but right now I just feel like tearing up in the corner because my "friend" is gone.. but I know that's weak, and I know that this "friend" made me lose my job, and almost the love of my life and more. I have come so far and stayed so strong I have to keep fighting. It just feels like I'm barely hanging on by a thread about to break down at any minute... Just took 1mg of sub. I really hope I wake up feeling better and not needing any subs. I just don't want to feel like I'm about to lose it and tear up... this is so hard right now...

Edit 3: 8:30pm Maybe the 1mg sub has me feeling better, maybe it's the music. I have a habit of sitting in this big house alone, with no music because I'm upstairs and can't hear what's going on downstairs (if somebody is home, etc.). Once I get the living room system set up it'll be better, but for now a little music in my room is nice. That's one of the reasons I love driving so much is cause the music just keeps my mind off things and plus driving my car is really fun (5-speed civic, lowered, custom exhaust, two 12" subs in the trunk) so it's nice to just cruise and bump some westside connection or whatever. but the point is I'm feeling better... at least a little.

Day 6: A day off, and THE day off

10:42am, I woke up about 10 mins ago, looked outside and saw garbage cans so I ran ours down to the end of the driveway, hopefully it gets picked up, I still don't know what day it comes in this new house. I feel fine this morning. I took 2mg of clonazepam [as prescribed] this morning at around 8 so I woke up with little to no anxiety, and hopefully that lasts all day and I don't have to take any Xanax. Also, I hope I don't feel any w/d from opiates/subs today because This is the day I'm planning to be off them. Was only on subs for 4 days, 5 days was my max so I'm pretty happy. I have 1mg still cut, just in case the cravings or w/d get really bad later today, but I don't plan on using it right now. But, since I have the day off today, I know it's going to be a tough one. Keeping myself occupied and keeping the addiction out of my head... I have a feeling, come later today, I'll really be craving, but I'm not going to put the cart before the horse or borrow trouble and just take this day 1 minute at a time. I'll check back later.

Edit 1: 3:10pm, still haven't taken a sub today and I feel fine. Just got done setting up a new smart TV and sound system in my living room. Sounds and looks awesome! It has really kept my mind off things.. I'm surprised as how motivated I am today. I DID take 2 somas for my shoulder, and it seems to have helped it a lot.. usually I take way more than 2 but obviously this story is about trying to cut back/quit. So I'm feeling pretty good about the living room now, bumping some Pandora while cleaning or whatever. Ironically, the first song that came on was "It was a good day" by Ice Cube, and I thought, yeah.. yes it has been a good day. [even though I just dropped half a grand on this set-up], I wasn't expecting to do that, but hey, better a TV and sound system than dope or fent at this point right?

Edit 2: Didn't take any subs today, had a few shots of vodka and listened to music while setting up the living room and made dinner, etc. still feeling good/ok. I'm confident I won't need any more subs until I get some bad cravings, but as far as physical w/d symptoms, I think I'm passed them. Taking vitamins and staying hydrated of course. Again, thanks for all the support through this, although, a lot of downvoters on todays update... I'll give the day 7 update tomorrow, and we'll see how it goes. I'm confident I won't have much trouble... thanks all for helping me through this.

Day 7: A week, not for the weak

10:11am... I woke up about an hour ago and have been staring at the ceiling for a while... craving. Missing the white powder I used to wake up to then sink back into bed with. ugh, it's driving me fucking crazy right now. I am trying so fucking hard not to order any, I know if I do, my girl and family will be so fucking pissed, shit will go down. I didn't take any subs yesterday, and I don't plan on taking any today, the physical symptoms are basically gone but the psychological cravings are incredibly intense and If this is how I'm going to feel all day, I might take 1mg or 2... I'm actually trying not to take 8mg just to get the slight blanket feeling, and I'm trying so fuckin hard not to go pick up some dope or roxies too. This is the hardest craving day I think I have woken up to since I stopped using....

Edit 1: 10:33.. ok, I realize I'm going to be thinking about it all fucking day long and I need advice. I haven't taken sub in over 24 hours, and my last dose was only 1 mg. so I'm good. Here's my question... Should I take some suboxone, kratom, make some pst, or take some tianeptine to make the cravings go away? There is a war in my head right now on what to do or not do.

Edit 2: 11:11am Took some kratom, like a heaping tablespoon, hopefully it stops the cravings, or at least subsides them enough. I decided kratom because it usually gives me some energy too, and I have to work at 3, possible 2nd dose before then depending on how I feel.

Edit 3: 1:53pm, the 2 big tablespoons of kratom took my cravings away and even gave me a little buzz. I am feeling much better and more confident than before about not copping for sure. Thanks for the advice and support guys, really. You all have helped so much on this journey. I work at 3 in a position in the restaurant I have never worked before so we'll see how that goes, but I'm not too worried about it. Thanks again, I'll update later tonight when I get home

Edit 4: 11:22pm. I got off work around 8... got home and relaxed, listening to music and shit feeling pretty good. I took like 300-400mg of tianeptine to see if I could feel it now that my tolerance is the lowest it's been in a year, but I still didn't feel anything.. or.. much at all. I'll just stick to kratom if I have cravings tomorrow (I'm sure I will), and keep going as long as I can. Getting off fent analogs has been a real trip, and you guys have made it so much better/easier/fun, all the support, the messages, the advice, words of encouragement, everything. I love this sub and the people in it. I am officially done with fent analogs, I am 99% sure about that. I don't see a circumstance where I would order more.. it's not worth it. I just wanted to say thank you to everybody who helped me get through this first week. I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I won't bore you guys with a day to day update anymore. I feel like I just wanted you all to help me through the first week. Tapered off the fent, to dope, tapered off the dope to subs, and tapered off the subs, all in a week. (I had been tapering the fent analogs for about 2 weeks though beforehand because my tolerance was insane). But again, I just wanted to thank everybody who followed this week long journey and gave me support. I'll be around and posting of course, and anybody feel free to shoot me a message if you need some help or wanna talk, or whatever. Thanks