Day 5: Starting a New Job

7:13 am. For those of you following my story, you know I have just moved into a new house a week ago, got fired 6 days ago, got a new job the next day, which I'm starting today, and I'm also on day 5, coming off a yearlong habit of HEAVY fent analog use. Used H to step down from the fent for a few days, now I'm using 2mg of sub (started the first day with 12mg, dropped quick, this is day 4 on sub). I took 2mg alpra [Xanax] and 2mg clonazepam to get me through hopefully today and hold my anxiety together. I am about to take 2mg of sub for the same reason and take 2mg with me just in case but hopefully not need it. I'm feeling worried, anxious, I dunno about this job, I hope it doesn't suck. I'm freezing, but I just gotta get my blood going a bit since I just woke up... fuck I hope this goes ok. I'm just gonna put on a fake smile and act happy and everything will be ok, everybody likes a happy person and they're not going to expect me to know everything on day 1, I know... but I just don't know about the job in general so I hope I don't hate it too much.. and I hope that it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy thinking that I'm going to hate it... hope you guys have a good day and are doing well... I'll check back in later today with an update. Thanks again for all the support friends, helps a lot

Edit 1: WOW! Thanks everybody for so many kind words! I actually had a great first day, it went really well. Learned a lot, forgot a lot. It'll take time of course to learn everything. It's a supervising job at a restaurant, today I was cooking, Wednesday I'll be hosting, and learning every aspect of the place. I took the 2mg sub this morning and still feel good. Hopefully it stays this way for the rest of the night, if I have to, I'll take 1mg maybe tonight to stop the cold sweats to sleep a bit. I want to get off the subs ASAP, but I still have some on hand for cravings in the future. I just took 2mg alprazolam [Xanax] cause I was getting pretty anxious on the drive home, probably unnecessary but that's a whole nother addiction I gotta deal with later. Feeling positive and going to find something productive to do with the rest of my day hopefully and stay out of w/d hopefully too. I'm still thinking about the bills and the new house and everything which is making me worry in the back of my mind. It's just so much at once. Off old drugs, new house, fired from old job, starting new job, new bills, so many bills, ughh.... I'm staying strong though, and you guys help a lot. I'll check back later tonight, and again, thanks so much for all the support. The support you all have given me on this journey is incredible.

Edit 2: 7:12pm... Still haven't taken anymore sub today, just the 2mg this morning. I'm getting pretty intense cravings right now and am feeling like I want to cry... it feels like... a friend is no longer with me ya know? It was always something to turn to. It really feels like I have lost a friend that has been by my side for so long... I don't want to take anymore subs because I am afraid of the w/d from them but I might have to take 1mg to stop the cravings, I'm also beginning to cold sweat quite a bit right now. Whenever I come home to this empty house it's the hardest. I was just out and bought a microwave, and drove around a while to get some other things for the house to stay occupied. I was lifting earlier as well to get some endorphins and blood running. I have to get back to my old workout routine. but right now I just feel like tearing up in the corner because my "friend" is gone.. but I know that's weak, and I know that this "friend" made me lose my job, and almost the love of my life and more. I have come so far and stayed so strong I have to keep fighting. It just feels like I'm barely hanging on by a thread about to break down at any minute... Just took 1mg of sub. I really hope I wake up feeling better and not needing any subs. I just don't want to feel like I'm about to lose it and tear up... this is so hard right now...

Edit 3: 8:30pm Maybe the 1mg sub has me feeling better, maybe it's the music. I have a habit of sitting in this big house alone, with no music because I'm upstairs and can't hear what's going on downstairs (if somebody is home, etc.). Once I get the living room system set up it'll be better, but for now a little music in my room is nice. That's one of the reasons I love driving so much is cause the music just keeps my mind off things and plus driving my car is really fun (5-speed civic, lowered, custom exhaust, two 12" subs in the trunk) so it's nice to just cruise and bump some westside connection or whatever. but the point is I'm feeling better... at least a little.