Day 4: Feeling Blank

I woke up at like 7:45 this morning, popped 2mg clonazepam, and 1mg alprazolam and went back to bed. It's 10:10 now and I woke up like 15 mins ago and I don't really know how I feel. I took 4mg of sub last night at 6:15 so that I wouldn't be trying to sleep while sweating ice, but I woke up sweating ice. However, now that I have gotten out of bed, it seems to have subsided... for now. I am going to try and play the day as long as I can without taking any sub, and probably take 4mg tonight which makes mg a day, then I'll drop to 2, then maybe lower before I take the fall..hopefully. This is only my 3rd day on subs (when I take one), and I want to get off as quickly as possible so I don't w/d from them more than I have to. I just want it to smoothen my opiate w/d and not have me transition to my train going the other direction. I feel rather dull... emotionless this morning. Unmotivated. But the girls parents are coming over to help with our new house (we moved in 9 days ago) so I'll have to put a fake smile on and act motivated and shit... that goes for tomorrow too. I start my new job tomorrow at 8am. I'm worried about it, but not to the point of losing it or anything. I know they wont expect me to perform perfect on the first day so I'll just learn as I go and my plan is to put on that fake smile and be a happy person because everybody likes to be around a happy person, just for the duration of my shift, then I can go back to being an opiate w/ding, sub taking, benzo addicted zombie with little emotion. I'll check back later. Thanks again for all the support friends. I don't even know if I could be doing this if it weren't for the support I get here. (I probably could, it would just suck more). .I mean, you guys really give me a lot of strength, and great advice. So thanks so much for that and have a great day/be safe

Ninja Edit 1: same time, I just want to say, another reason you guys help so much is because I get to live vicariously through you all getting high and imagine it myself. I also forgot to say my sex drive is actually coming back and in full force if you know what I mean ha. So I'm really glad no permanent damage done there... I haven't woken up with a raging hard-on for a while before this morning. Hopefully my brain continues to re-wire everything as fast as possible so I can jump off this sub wagon before it gets out of my hands. [as you can see it's always in the back of my mind]

Edit 2: 2:47pm I am starting to feel cold and shitty.... although for the last couple hours I have been out on the roof putting caulk in a leak and turning off the water to the outside before winter and now I have to replace some windows in the porch. I'm trying to hold off on taking a sub for as long as I can. but now that I think about it. maybe I'll take 2mg now, and if need be, 2mg tonight, I think that's what I'll do. It is decided hahhah.

Edit 3: 7:40pm been doing housework all day. Rewiring outlets, reinsulating windows, putting windows in, turning off the outside water for the winter, etc. The 2mg of sub has done me great and I feel good and my mind has been off things for the day. Tomorrow I start a new job at 8am and I am planning to take 2mg in the morning and maybe take another 2mg with me just in case I get bad but I want to drop off these subs as quick as possible. This is only day 3 I've been on them and I want to get off before a week. Hopefully I can taper to 1mg or even .5 so I don't notice much of a w/d from the sub. then I'm golden and will keep some around for cravings and just give it time. I am just worried about this job tomorrow and worried I will hate it...but at least it will provide something to do and some structure, and if I don't like it, hey, I can keep looking for another one... I got this job in a day. Thanks for all the kind words everybody, and for everybody following my journey and going through the same thing, I feel your pain and feel free to message me. Earlier today I felt like I was on the edge about to fall off and break down and kind of did... tears a bit just overwhelmed with detoxing, getting fired, new job tomorrow, just bought a new house and moved in last week. so it's a LOT at once and I am just trying to stay away from that edge so I can keep it together. The support from you all is amazing and thanks again, I will post later tonight maybe or tomorrow before I leave for work when I start day 5 but again thanks so much guys, I love this sub [pun intended]

Edit 4: took 2mg of sub just now at 9:30pm so I can wake up feeling good to start the new job. I'm gonna bring a couple mg's with me just in case as well but hopefully make it through the whole day without dosing a sub. I want to drop as quick as possible like I've stated 100 times. thanks for the support everybody, I'll post tomorrow before I leave for work I think.. early early. night guys, stay safe